"It is our moral duty to corrupt the young"
%
Married men should forget their mistakes; there's no use in two people 
remembering the same thing!
%
For sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
%
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
%
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
%
Eagles may soar, but groundhogs don't get sucked into jet engines.
%
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
%
You'll have to excuse me a sec, I'm having a blonde moment.
%
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
%
Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts.
%
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
%
The 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator!
%
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when 
you make it again.
%
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
%
FACT: No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
%
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip!
%
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
%
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before!
%
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
%
Astrologers do it with heavenly bodies!
%
And on the eighth day God said, "O.K. Murphy. You take over."
%
Death is like God's way of saying, your table is ready.
%
Suppose you were an idiot; and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I 
repeat myself.
%
The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than 
she is.
%
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.
%
If life were fair, Dan Quayle would be making a living asking, "Do you want 
fries with that?"
%
I fought the lawn, and the - lawn won!
%
"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds 
the universe together." 
%
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
%
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkey's and apes?
%
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go 
to lunch or to a movie?
%
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
%
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
%
If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
%
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
%
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to 
play chess.
%
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
%
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
%
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he 
still wrong?
%
Who were the beta-testers for Preparations A through G?
%
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
%
Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
%
Boycott shampoo!!! Demand True poo!
%
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!
%
I refuse to enter a battle of the wits with you - it's against my morals to 
attack an unarmed person.
%
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!!!
%
Protect your bagels, put lox on them.
%
You'll never have a nervous breakdown, but you sure are a carrier!
%
If aliens are smart enough to travel through space, then why do they abduct 
the dumbest people on earth ??
%
When man discovered milk came from cows, what did he THINK he was doing?
%
Definition of gun control: use both hands.
%
I have yet to meet a man...so far I have only met the male species!
%
When God created man, SHE was only joking!
%
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space 
continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to 
literally disappear.
%
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a 
disjointed pinocchio.
%
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die!
%
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
%
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
%
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
%
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
%
Does my quiet self-pity get to you or should I move up to incessant nagging?
%
I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, 
I want to stay employed!
%
If crimefighters fight crime, and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom 
fighters fight?
%
I am not weird, it's just that everyone else is.
%
When it comes to your health, I recommend frequent doses of that rare commodity 
among Americans-common sense.
%
When you are down and out something always turns up-and it is usually the noses 
of your friends.
%
A diplomat's life is made up of three ingredients: protocol, Geritol and 
alcohol.
%
An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
%
A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like 
Cheetah.
%
A hospital bed is like a parked taxi with the meter running.
%
I can't figure out why women adore babies... especially since they leak at 
both ends!
%
A dead atheist is someone who's all dressed up with no place to go.
%
Never fuss over becoming senile, you won't know it!
%
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
%
Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
%
I'm like a mosquito in a nudist camp; I know what I should to do, but I don't 
know where to start!
%
Don't cross a field unless you can do it in 9.9 seconds. The bull can do it 
in 10.
%
Bad politicians are sent to Washington by good people who don't vote.
%
Why is it there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses?
%
A divorce is like an amputation; you survive, but there's less of you.
%
A person's right to smoke ends where the next person's nose begins.
%
Although it's never fun getting one year older, it sure beats the alternative!
%
Reality is a just temporary illusion caused by a lack of alcohol in the 
bloodstream.
%
Don't piss me off - I'm running out of places to hide the bodies!
%
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
%
Just when you think "Life's a Bitch", it has puppies.
%
Inflation is when you find that your nest egg won't even make an omelet.
%
The world is filled with willing people; some willing to work, the rest 
willing to let them.
%
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
%
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a 
skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.
%
It is a statistically impossible for a 16-year-old girl to unplug her phone.
%
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there 
are three other people.
%
My parents keep asking how school was. It's like saying, "How was that 
drive-by shooting?" You don't care how it was, you're lucky to get out alive!
%
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
%
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your 
mouth shut.
%
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
%
Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.
%
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to 
do and not doing it.
%
Did you ever notice that when a politician does get an idea he usually gets 
it all wrong.
%
Being miserable and treating other people like dirt is every New Yorker's 
God-given right.
%
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to 
walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
%
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the 
designated driver.
%
Testosterone is a great equalizer. It turns all men into morons.
%
Anti-wrinkle cream there may be, but anti-fat-bastard cream there is not.
%
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
%
I like long walks, especially when taken by people who annoy me.
%
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
%
At the end of the money I always have some month left.
%
There are three kinds of people in this world, ones you can count on, and 
ones that can't count.
%
Just curious - What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald 
men?
%
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
%
Life is like a sewer... what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
%
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
%
Truly yours truly,

Department of Redundancy Department.
%
Do witches run spell checkers?
%
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
%
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
%
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
%
Words of wisdom:
	Always look out for #1.
	Don't step in #2.
%
Grow your own DOPE ... plant a MAN!
%
MARRIAGE is the only WAR where you sleep with the ENEMY.
%
Make every day good to the last drop.. nobody gets out alive in the end anyway!
%
1909: Plastic Invented
Result: Baywatch
%
Your'er so cheap, I bet you look under the bed in the morning to see if you 
lost any sleep.
%
Given the capacity to be stupid, people will be.
%
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
%
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, 
the more interested he is in her!
%
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with your fist...it's more effective!
%
Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!
%
One out of every ten people is born to give the other nine trouble.
%
One good turn...Gets all the blankets.
%
Q: Who invented copper wire? 

A: Two tax lawyers fighting over a penny.
%
I have PMS and a GUN! Oh, I'm sorry, did you have something to say? 
%
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time 
you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
%
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
%
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
%
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go 
flying by.
%
To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer!
%
Life is like a cactus, everywhere you go you meet new prix.
%
Start a movement...eat a prune.
%
To any man who thinks not asking for directions is no big deal, I have two 
words: Donner Party.
%
Don't mind her. She hasn't been in a good mood since someone dropped a house 
on her sister.
%
I searched for the bluebird of happiness, and found the chicken of despair.
%
Your village called. They want their idiot back.
%
Judging from the behavior of some people...not all jackasses have tails.
%
A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have 
trouble with it.
%
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up 
with her crap.
%
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
%
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get 
wasted and have the time of our lives.
%
Beauty is only a light switch away.
%
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
%
The problem in the Garden of Eden was Not the Apple on the Tree...It was the 
Pair on the Ground!
%
Confucious say - Man who goes with woman with Flat Chest feel low down!
%
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities 
or politicians.
%
Be Naughty! Save Santa the trip.
%
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 
'Y' becomes silent.
%
Sex is evil, evil is sin, sins are forgiven, so sex is in!
%
Women's breasts are like Toys: They're meant for kids, but usually it's the 
fathers who wind up playin' with them.
%
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
%
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
%
Whiskey was invented so the Irish wouldn't rule the world.
%
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy!
%
Good men are like Martians, you hear a lot about them but you never actually 
see one.
%
Golf is good for the soul. You get so mad at yourself you forget to hate your 
enemies.
%
Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at.
%
Life is like a dog-sled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never 
changes.
%
Dogs come when they are called; cats take a message and get back to you.
%
All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.
%
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them 
all yourself.
%
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for 
Christmas.
%
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead - not sick, not wounded - dead.
%
Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to 
eat them.
%
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about 
your age.
%
"If brains were money, you'd need to take out a loan to buy a cup of coffee."
%
My brain: it's my second favorite organ.
%
Never trust a man with short legs. Brains too near their bottoms.
%
Many complain of their looks, but none of their brains.
%
Education is going to college to learn to express your ignorance in scientific 
terms.
%
I think God invented rain to give dead people something to complain about.
%
Income Tax has made more liars out of the American people than Golf.
%
There is a difference between a tax collector and a taxidermist -- the 
taxidermist leaves the hide.
%
Income tax returns: the most imaginative fiction written today.
%
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
%
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed 
teachers.
%
There's more to life then Chocolate-wait a sec???
%
Toast lands butter side down, Cats land the right way up, So what happens if 
you butter a cat?
%
Should the year 2000 VW Beetle be refered to as the "Y2K Bug"?
%
"Today is the tomorrow you were worried about yesterday. Was it worth it?"
%
"Ironic isn't it? I no sooner get the closet of my dreams then my husband 
comes out of it"
%
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
%
"A Wise Man Should never play leap frog with a unicorn."
%
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
%
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
%
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
%
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
%
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.
%
Optimists say the glass is half-full,
Pessimists say the glass is half empty,
I says it's time for a beer run.
%
Someone who smiles when things go wrong, just thought of someone else to 
blame it on.
%
Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute ... I'll find 
someone.
%
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter 
words than "I told you so."
%
Why should anyone suffer in silence, when you can moan, whimper, cry and 
complain!
%
Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget!
%
Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught.
%
Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill them.
%
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone 
else's fault.
%
I'm willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
%
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming 
my parents or my spouse.
%
As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
%
God made moms and it was good, God made little girls and it was better, God 
made men, and said two out of three ain't bad!
%
I souport publik edukashun.
%
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
%
I love poor defensless animals...especially in a good gravy!
%
Ginsu Knives...why do you need a knife that can cut through a boot and a can?
%
Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.
%
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
%
If today is the first day of the rest of your life, then what the hell was 
yesterday?
%
Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.
%
Seven days without laughter makes one weak.
%
I firmly believe there is more to life than money, beer, and sex. I just 
don't know what it is.
%
The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?"
%
I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to 
complain.
%
If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; if you steal from many, it's 
research.
%
Teenage boys will drive anything -- except a lawn mower.
%
Golf scores are directly proportional to the number of witnesses.
%
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the show?
%
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter!
%
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar 
territory.
%
Psycotics build castles in the sky, neurotics live in them, and psychologists 
collect the rent.
%
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
%
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to 
bite people themselves.
%
Nothing is as embarrasing as watching someone do something that you said 
couldn't be done.
%
People usually get what's coming to them...unless it's been mailed.
%
If your parents didn't have children...chanced are that you won't either.
%
I still miss my ex...but my aim is getting better!
%
Men are like toilets - they're either taken or full of doo-doo!
%
Join the Army, Go to distant lands, meet interesting people, kill them!
%
If I can survive death, I can probably survive anything.
%
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
%
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
%
A man should live forever...or die trying.
%
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
%
When you drive you put your life in your foot's hands.
%
Of the choice of two evils, I pick the one I've never tried before.
%
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting 
on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."
%
They told me I was gullible...and I believed them!
%
I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
%
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
%
Draft beer, not people!
%
I don't believe in superstition -- it brings bad luck.
%
There is no substitute for good manners...except fast reflexes.
%
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
%
Whether I'm briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own.
%
It's not an optical illusion it just looks like one.
%
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, and you will pay only the station-to-station 
rate.
%
The easiest way to refold a road map is differently.
%
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. 
	-Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
%
Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.
%
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never 
been able to make out the numbers.
%
There is a fine line between the sane and the insane. I walk that line. Walk 
with me.
%
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 
%
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. 
%
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock. 
%
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage. 
%
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 
%
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
%
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
%
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
%
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
%
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling 
like the passengers in his bus.
%
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. 
%
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
%
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
%
There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
%
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
%
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
%
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish 
burger and I realize, Oh my gosh....I could be eating a slow learner.
%
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
%
Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and 
anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
%
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a 
Philip's Screwdriver?
%
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain 
silent?
%
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
%
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
%
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it 
considered a hostage situation?
%
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
%
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
%
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
%
How do you say constipated in German? ... Farfrumpoopen.
%
Did you hear about divorce Barbie? It comes with all of Ken's stuff. 
%
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
%
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
%
Axe me about Ebonics
%
GUYS: No shirt, no service.
GALS: No shirt, no charge. 
%
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
%
Necrophilia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.
%
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
%
A fool and his money are soon partying.
%
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
%
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
%
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
%
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
%
Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 
%
The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut.
%
Sooner or later, EVERYONE stops smoking. 
%
Common Sense Isn't. 
%
Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse.
%
Married people don't live longer than single people. It just seems longer. 
%
On the other hand, you have different fingers. 
%
Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent. 
%
It's a dog eat dog world out there. And they're short on napkins. 
%
"Don't drive and park, accidents cause people"
%
"Procrasination is the art of keeping up with yesterday."
%
One night, as I lay in bed, I looked up at all of the stars in the sky, 
and thought, "Where the hell is my ceiling!?!?!"
%
Better a bad smell for a moment, than a long belly-ache!
%
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but Fat Cells live FOREVER!
%
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. 
                 - Dean Martin
%
If You Are Lookin' For Someone With A Great Personality, Get A Dog!
%
Elevators smell different to midgets.
%
ONLY the STRONG SURVIVE...all those DOWNWIND PASSOUT !!!!
%
The fastest way to a man's heart is through his chest with a sharp knife.
%
95% of guys masturbate...the other 5% lie.
%
If we learn from our mistakes, I should be brilliant by now.
%
Red meat isn't bad for you; fuzzy blue-green meat is.
%
If I were a cat, my curiosity would have killed me 10 times by now!
%
When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. 
I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
%
If you don't know what procrastination is just look up the definition tomorrow.
%
Life's too short to argue, I'm ALWAYS right!
%
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?
%
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
%
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?
%
Graffiti: E=mc2 ; and written underneath it: Very nice, Albert. Next time 
show your work.
%
Beware of limbo dancers! (written at bottom of bathroom stall door with arrow 
pointing down) 
%
If Fifty Pound you can afford, then try your luck and pull this cord. If 
Fifty Pound you do not own, then leave the f**king thing alone. 
	(Graffiti under emergency stop cord on London Underground Train) 
%
We don't swim in your urinals. Please don't pee in our pool. 
%
On a posted sign: Bill Stickers will be prosecuted! The graffiti next to it: 
Bill Stickers is innocent!
%
Seen above a urinal in the men's room at ETSU: Anyone can pee on the floor. 
Be a hero: crap on the ceiling. 
%
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would 
kill you? 

A pool table. 
%
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? Dam! 
%
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it. 
%
Transvestites are men who like to eat, drink, and be Mary. 
%
Twin brothers, one named Emal and the other Juan, grew up and moved out of the
country. A year later, their mother receives from Juan a letter and picture 
of himself. His mother sighs and mentions she wishes she had a picture from 
Emal as well. 'Why,' replies her husband, 'if you've seen Juan, you've seen 
Emal.' 
%
Or how about the dermatologist who started his practice from scratch? 
%
Why aren't fishmongers generous? Their business makes them selfish. 
%